Luke here. You can tell it’s me because I’ve decided whenever I write on Fallon’s blog – it’s going to be in italics. It was either that, or CAPSLOCK but I’m only trying to seem like I’m yelling at you 37% of the time. So that kinda defeats the purpose.

Earlier today the ol’ ball-and-chain PERFECT WIFE & I were chatting about a few things we’d never do at WDW knowing what we know and it gave me an idea for a list of things that through acquired expertise – we’d never do at Disney if we didn’t have to. Without further adieu – a list. 

The Top 8 (Unofficial) Rules For a Successful(ish) Time at Disney World:

1. Do not, under any circumstance, go to Magic Kingdom on a Saturday. MK is the one park that people prioritize at WDW. It’s got the most going on. Mountains of splash, larger than average thunder, space even. Mansions of a haunted nature. Animatronic bear jamboree singular. The last remaining Tomorrowland Transit Authority Peoplemover. A larger than average contingent of people who’ve “paid a lot of money for this so [reason to yell at a college program cast member here]. 😐 An alright kiddie rolller coaster that people wait 2 hours for for some reason. A Peter Pan ride that people wait 75 minutes for for no good reason whatsoever (don’t @ me “But Peter Pan is my favourite…” people). While the land of Cinderella’s castle is pretty impressive – it’s never worth competing for space with locals with annual passes, first-timers, the under-prepared and the general incessant throngs on the obviously busiest day of the week. Go get a drink or seven at Epcot and leave this park to the folks going for the one and only time in their lives. This should pretty much be common sense, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (unrelated – shrug guy in italics looks like it stuck to its New Year’s resolutions)
2. Nothing good happens in the parks between noon and 4. Unless you’re into watching kids have sugar fueled sensory overload meltdowns around 2 or so. Or if you grew up in communism and long for a good line-wait.
3. Hydrate. Also hydrate. And hydrate. Get a Brita water bottle to take the swampy edge off FLA tap water. Get ice water from anywhere with a Coke fountain. Buy 32 bottles of water for $3.33 from WalMart. Or get booze. Tasty, delicious, take-the-edge-off-having-to-be-around-somewhat-too-many people booze. Beers and cocktails and Tipsy Ducks in Love – oh my!
4. Take the entrance through the Rainforest Cafe into AK every single time. As a bonus – stop for an Icee if the bar is open too. Carbonated blue raspberry (as they totally appear in nature) slushies are the nectar of the flabby gods.
5. If you don’t have an in-park dining reservation – go somewhere else to eat. At MK? Escape for a peanut butter pie at Contempo Cafe. Take a boat to Wilderness Lodge and get some catsup at Whispering Canyon. Or even GTFO to the Poly and try to sneak into Trader Sam’s. At Epcot or Hollywood Studios?  It’s easy to escape to Beaches & Cream or Crew’s Cup  Lounge. At Animal Kingdom? If you’re not choosing to chillax at Nomad Lounge, definitely get steppin’ to Boma. Or just go back to your hotel or campsite or RV in a Walmart parking lot for a nap. A nap is the most delicious of meals. See point 2 for added reference: because it’s fun to re-read and I did a good job of that one. (This point was not made in a peanut free facility. Although it is rich in maltodextrin)
6. Extra Magic Hours – don’t. Just don’t. Any park that has this extra hour or two post-close has significantly more people in it than the other parks by 22% according to statistics compiled by me by guessing. At best you’ll get 2 extra rides in when you’re most tired and want to go back to your room and not go to bed promptly because you’re catching up on Facebook. Nothing happened. All this said I assume the extra magic hour pre-park open is worthwhile but I’m not getting up at 5:30AM on my vacation to find out. 6:15AM + 2-3 snoozes on the other hand – totally reasonable. Human nature is weird.
7. Save time. Take a Lyft. I say Lyft and not Uber because Lyft is easier to set for a specific pickup at your hotel on Disney property. Plus Lyft doesn’t dip into surge pricing as often. Plus plus if you’ve got 4 or more people in your group it becomes worthwhile to call a Minnie Van (and these don’t even have to drop off at the TTC at MK BTW). “But Lyft costs money” you say! “Well yeah… everything costs money at Disney. How much is your time worth? Probably more than taking 2 to 3 times longer to get where you’re going too.” *insert Kermit Teacup meme here*
8. You know how those people who go “Don’t even talk to me before I have my coffee?” are annoying and a half? Well they are. That said, Starbucks Via Brew + Bailey’s + a travel mug = a good start to every day.  And every day deserves a new start…

Thanks for getting this far if you did. Congrats on being bored too, I guess? I’m going to try to write some stuff for Fallon more often because it’ll be a solid way to keep myself off the mean streets of middle class suburban Canada.

P.S. I swear I don’t drink as much as it may seem. I’m just terribly introverted and being around three or more people makes me wildly uncomfortable. Libations (consumed responsibly) do help take the edge off though. Just keep it together. Unlike Uncle Darryl…