The Haunted Mansion (To me, this ride is the epitome of Disney imagineering. I notice something new every time. From the superb queue to the stretching room – this has more fluid storytelling than the DL version and so many neat details. And no jump scares. Just excellent special effects.)
Splash Mountain (Fluid storytelling. Literally.)
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (The wildest ride in the wilderness I’m told. The best seats are in the back. The 2nd best seats = every other seat.)
Space Mountain (It’s a mountain. In space.)
7 Dwarfs Mine Train (smooth children’s roller coaster that’s worth waiting 25 minutes for even though that’s impossible)
The Jungle Cruise (The skipper asks you where you’re from and you’ll say Winnipeg and they’ll say “I’m sorry” so you say “WINNIPEG!!!” and then they say “No I heard you before… I’m just sorry.” – it’s a collection of groan-worthy puns and corny dad jokes that vary in tone and style based on the skipper you get. Amazing how they elevate a ride with dated animatronics with personality. Let it happen and enjoy the ride.)
The Peoplemover (If you can’t trust The Tomorrowland Transit Authority for an amazing time, who can you trust?)
Buzz Lightyear (I got 900-something thousand once and was super choked I wasn’t able to get to a million and collect my Galactic Hero sticker like a grown-up.)
Pirates of the Caribbean (40% of a really great ride.)
Peter Pan’s Flight (a slow loading ride with low capacity that’s okay for black lights and a painted Pan that accumulates a long wait that that people gravitate toward because the wait time is long so it must be good, right?)
Mad Tea Party (Teacups. And they spin in circles!)
Dumbo the Flying Elephant (It goes in circles! Just try to forget how awful Dumbo’s life is.)
Prince Charming Regal Carousel (It goes in circles! It’s horses! It’s… got a perpetual 5 minute wait time tho.)
Under the Sea ~ Journey of the Little Mermaid (I’m gonna be straight with you. This should probably be like… 11… but who’s gonna copy/paste fix on a laptop with the stupid giant square thumb mouse thing for a Cliff Notes version of the Little Mermaid story told by robots. It is fun to be an adult male belting out Under the Sea along with machine Sebastian)
The Magic Carpets of Aladdin (It goes in circles! But it’s a carpet ride instead of an elephant ride so it’s obviously inferior.)
Astro Orbiter (It goes in circles! But you have to take an elevator first eff that noise.)
The Barnstormer (I actually haven’t ridden this. So this tells you where we’re getting quality-wise.)
Walt Disney World Railroad (It’s a train! It’s a ride! It’s… an excuse to not have to walk to other sections of the park!)
Liberty Square Riverboat (It goes in circles! Along with a whackload of people! Plus some barely audible tinny speakers! Annnnnnnnnndd some slight casual racism that I didn’t bring up in numbers 2 & 6…)
Starbucks (Like the security line, but you can get a decent coffee and a $17 You Are Here mug at the end of it.)
Waiting on a park bench and imagining Radiator Springs Racers is in Florida (Also works for Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout, Indiana Jones, California Screamin’ or Heimlich’s Chew Chew Train)
The Security Line (Necessary, but annoying when you’ve got a pocket full of GD pennies.)
Stealing an ECV and riding it into the Enchanted Tiki Room
the ghost of Stitch’s Great Escape (kinda, maybe, I dunno…)
it’s a small world (it’s all downhill after seeing the mountie 7 seconds into the ride.)
Not going on a ride at all
Having vertigo
Making a post on some online forum about the Hall of Presidents and having to deal with an enormous amount of anonymous people arguing over politics with +/- 3 “your an idiot”s.)
Taking a really messy dump and wiping with the most lackluster 1-ply you can find. Most magical place on earth my literal ass!)
Oh oh oh I just remembered I wanted to mention taking the MK Monorail to the TTC then transferring either to Epcot to go on Soarin’ or if it’s after 4 pm going to the Polynesian to get a Dark & Stormy at Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto – so uh, choose whatever’s funnier?)
The Moana ride that doesn’t exist (but needs to exist)
The boat to Wilderness Lodge – a really underrated resort – featuring Whispering Canyon Cafe.
Tripping and falling and scraping your wrist in front of Mary Poppins
The Race to the FuelRod machine because your phone battery is at 3%
Watching a video ride-thru of the Tron coaster to get ready for when that’s finished in Magic Kingdom in like 5 years
Hurrying to get a spot in front of the castle 4 hours before Happily Ever After starts even though you really don’t need to be THAT early.
The moving sidewalk leaving Space Mountain
Spending $25 + tip on a Minnie Van (BTW – these are actually great)
Ugh fine… the Tomorrowland Speedway (Look – I get it. This is a ride for children. It’s cool for them because they get to drive a car and after pick up a license and feel proud of themselves. But I’ve been driving a car for 20 years and it never stinks like the rotten lawnmowers with 0 handling of this ride. It sucks. If you don’t have kids and you want to do this… why?)
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