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3rd Rate Ways to Enjoy Disney When You’re Not At Disney

Outside of being a resident of either of the Orange Counties, it’s not likely you get to a Disney Park as much as you’d like. At least if you’re reading this. Fret not if you’re not a Kissimmee/Santa Ana local, cause here are some half-assed options for those looking to indulge in their Dis-ness day-to-day.

  • Sink your teeth into to a chain restaurant. Landry’s just set up their first location in our town. A Bubba Gump. Go end enjoy something deep fried (or likely microwaved) to perfection. If that catches on, we could get a Rainforest Cafe or a House of Blues or Yak & Yeti. The more standardized fare you feast on the better the chances I get an Earl of Sandwich in my town. It begins with Buffalo Chicken wraps.
  • Try to recreate your favourite menu item at home. You can find a bunch of recipes at AllEars. I’ve tried to cook up the Le Cellier Canadian Cheddar Cheese Soup, as well as Chef Art Smith’s Homecomin‘ Chocolate Pecan Pie… with mixed results. It was fun though. I’ll figure out how to make a proper roux someday….
  • Dole Whip can be found if you know where to look. There a frogurt place at the giant tourist mall in our city that makes a pretty mean vegan non-dairy pineapple powder and coconut milk dessert product. I’m told Nando’s and Menchie’s have it on occasion too. And speaking of Dole Whip…
  • The Exhibition/County Fair/Whatever it’s called. I’m sure there’s a standard big midway with carnival rides that hits up your town at a certain point every year. Probably during the 3-14 day period where you’re most likely to get thundershowers. Well in our city they at least bring a dole whip facsimile. And a carousel is a carousel – whether you’re at the Magic Kingdom or a makeshift fairgrounds in a parking lot you wouldn’t stand in for long periods of time had their not been circumspect rides set up there. That said – they’ve got some kind of Mad Tea Party spinning ride to tie you over. Like pixie dust methadone. There’ll be some kind of Flame Tree Barbecue place where you can pay way too much for ribs. A Crazy Mouse coaster like Tricera Top Spin/Goofy’s Sky School. Plus, instead of someone in a costume dressed like Pluto – there’s a drug sniffing dog helping a kind peace officer arrest someone outside the main entrance attempting to enter the fair to sell cocaine who looks like the type of guy who’d come to the fairgrounds to try and move the white pony who also needs a shower.
  • Practice waiting in lines. Go renew your drivers license.
  • Go to the Disney Store in your city’d good mall(s) and buy something that costs way too much.
  • Go to Hot Topic in those same malls and buy something that looks super cool, but has lower overall craftsmanship.
  • Watch Moana on Netflix for the umpteenth time.
  • Actually watch a DVD because stupid Netflix took Tangled off like some damned fools.
  • Go to the movie theatre and think “oh hey, a bottle of Coca-Cola for $5 is a pretty good deal, eh?”
  • Hitchhike to Atlanta Braves baseball spring training?
  • Make a mad decent Disney Playlist on Spotify or Apple Music or Tidal (hahaha yeah right Tidal).
  • Buy some bromine, mix it in water, smell bromine water – take a nostalgic journey through scent. BTW: Rob Plays has a great video on why Disney Water smells different. I’ve seen Etsy shops where you can buy candles that smell like specific Disney park scents but who can afford international shipping?
  • Check out the funny t-shirts on Teepublic.
  • Just mail Disney $80/month.
  • Plan your Halloween costume. This year, I’m going as the most evil Pixar villain of them all. Circumstance from Inside Out.
  • Revisit your old imaginary pal Bing Bong while you’re at it.
  • Use a Brita Water Bottle. It’s as if you’re removing the musty swampy taste of Florida tap water – except it’s your local good tap water still filtered.
  • Reuse an old resort mug for coffee, then add Bailey’s, then take the bus to a large big box mall and pretend it’s Disney Springs, then re-evaluate your life choices.
  • Go to a Starbucks (just like in the park!) and tell the Barista your name is Fix It Felix. Enjoy when your cup says Phelixx.
  • Find a good beer store. Get a Schofferhofer. Even though that’s not a good beer. Dang it’s tasty though. Chase that radler with 710 mL of La Fin du Monde and get messed up.
  • Go to one of your friend’s toddler’s birthday parties and remind yourself of what it’s like at ~3 pm after the kids have binged on sugar and are experiencing sensory overload.
  • Practice your washboard skills so you can really crush it next time you go to Hoop Dee Doo.
  • Go to see Fireworks in your home down and go “meh”.
  • Plan another Disney trip.
  • Plan the trip after that trip.
  • Write a blog post about what to do when you’re not at Disney
  • End that post abruptly without a fitting conclusion.