1. The Haunted Mansion (To me, this ride is the epitome of Disney imagineering. I notice something new every time. From the superb queue to the stretching room – this has more fluid storytelling than the DL version and so many neat details. And no jump scares. Just excellent special effects.)
2. Splash Mountain (Fluid storytelling. Literally.)
3. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (The wildest ride in the wilderness I’m told. The best seats are in the back. The 2nd best seats = every other seat.)
4. Space Mountain (It’s a mountain. In space.)
5. 7 Dwarfs Mine Train (smooth children’s roller coaster that’s worth waiting 25 minutes for even though that’s impossible)
6. The Jungle Cruise (The skipper asks you where you’re from and you’ll say Winnipeg and they’ll say “I’m sorry” so you say “WINNIPEG!!!” and then they say “No I heard you before… I’m just sorry.” – it’s a collection of groan-worthy puns and corny dad jokes that vary in tone and style based on the skipper you get. Amazing how they elevate a ride with dated animatronics with personality. Let it happen and enjoy the ride.)
7. The Peoplemover (If you can’t trust The Tomorrowland Transit Authority for an amazing time, who can you trust?)
8. Buzz Lightyear (I got 900-something thousand once and was super choked I wasn’t able to get to a million and collect my Galactic Hero sticker like a grown-up.)
9. Pirates of the Caribbean (40% of a really great ride.)
10. Peter Pan’s Flight (a slow loading ride with low capacity that’s okay for black lights and a painted Pan that accumulates a long wait that that people gravitate toward because the wait time is long so it must be good, right?)
11. Mad Tea Party (Teacups. And they spin in circles!)
12. Dumbo the Flying Elephant (It goes in circles! Just try to forget how awful Dumbo’s life is.)
13. Prince Charming Regal Carousel (It goes in circles! It’s horses! It’s… got a perpetual 5 minute wait time tho.)
14. Under the Sea ~ Journey of the Little Mermaid (I’m gonna be straight with you. This should probably be like… 11… but who’s gonna copy/paste fix on a laptop with the stupid giant square thumb mouse thing for a Cliff Notes version of the Little Mermaid story told by robots. It is fun to be an adult male belting out Under the Sea along with machine Sebastian)
15. The Magic Carpets of Aladdin (It goes in circles! But it’s a carpet ride instead of an elephant ride so it’s obviously inferior.) 
16. Astro Orbiter (It goes in circles! But you have to take an elevator first eff that noise.)
17. The Barnstormer (I actually haven’t ridden this. So this tells you where we’re getting quality-wise.)
18. Walt Disney World Railroad (It’s a train! It’s a ride! It’s… an excuse to not have to walk to other sections of the park!)
19. Liberty Square Riverboat (It goes in circles! Along with a whackload of people! Plus some barely audible tinny speakers! Annnnnnnnnndd some slight casual racism that I didn’t bring up in numbers 2 & 6…)
20. Starbucks (Like the security line, but you can get a decent coffee and a $17 You Are Here mug at the end of it.)
21. Waiting on a park bench and imagining Radiator Springs Racers is in Florida (Also works for Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout, Indiana Jones, California Screamin’ or Heimlich’s Chew Chew Train)
22. The Security Line (Necessary, but annoying when you’ve got a pocket full of GD pennies.)
23. Stealing an ECV and riding it into the Enchanted Tiki Room
24. the ghost of Stitch’s Great Escape (kinda, maybe, I dunno…)
25. it’s a small world (it’s all downhill after seeing the mountie 7 seconds into the ride.)
26. Not going on a ride at all
27. Having vertigo
28. Making a post on some online forum about the Hall of Presidents and having  to deal with an enormous amount of anonymous people arguing over politics with +/- 3 “your an idiot”s.)
29. Taking a really messy dump and wiping with the most lackluster 1-ply you can find. Most magical place on earth my literal ass!)
30. Oh oh oh I just remembered I wanted to mention taking the MK Monorail to the TTC then transferring either to Epcot to go on Soarin’ or if it’s after 4 pm going to the Polynesian to get a Dark & Stormy at Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto – so uh, choose whatever’s funnier?)
31.  The Moana ride that doesn’t exist (but needs to exist)
32.  
33.  The boat to Wilderness Lodge – a really underrated resort – featuring Whispering Canyon Cafe.
34.  
35.  
36. Tripping and falling and scraping your wrist in front of Mary Poppins
37. The Race to the FuelRod machine because your phone battery is at 3%
38.  
39.  
40.  
41.  
42. Watching a video ride-thru of the Tron coaster to get ready for when that’s finished in Magic Kingdom in like 5 years
43.  
44.  
45.  
46.  Hurrying to get a spot in front of the castle 4 hours before Happily Ever After starts even though you really don’t need to be THAT early.
47.  
48.  
49. The moving sidewalk leaving Space Mountain
50.  
51.   
52.  
53. Spending $25 + tip on a Minnie Van (BTW – these are actually great)
54.  
55.  
56.  
57. Ugh fine… the Tomorrowland Speedway (Look – I get it. This is a ride for children. It’s cool for them because they get to drive a car and after pick up a license and feel proud of themselves. But I’ve been driving a car for 20 years and it never stinks like the rotten lawnmowers with 0 handling of this ride.  It sucks. If you don’t have kids and you want to do this… why?)

1. Where else are you going to experience an animatronic bear jamboree?
2. Gotta see that new roller-coaster. It’s much different than the other 6 that are already there.
3. The Dole Whip there is better than the exact same stuff they have at the frogurt shop at the mall.
4. Because the buses are like, free.
5. Fact finding mission to learn if Goofy and Pluto are both canines somehow.
6. TO FIGURE OUT THE COMPLEX, DYSTOPIAN PLOT AND  NEXT LEVEL STORYTELLING OF THE ASTRO ORBITER .
7. To drink around the World Showcase and enjoy a cocktail in the imaginary country of Canada.
8. I hear there’s some Star Wars stuff at Hollywood Studios and I want Attack of the Clones “toothpick holders”.
9. Tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room withdrawl.
10. Because y’all just got back from Disneyland.

Honourary mention to the paper straws at Animal Kingdom

July 17, 1955 – Disneyland is born to a world still able to be impressed by a carousel. Today – DL turns 63. It’s okay if you haven’t got it a birthday present yet. Here’s a handy dandy list of gifts you could give to a theme park that got 18,200,000 visitors in 2015 according to haphazard Google search:

• A separate entrance for annual passholders/activated tickets
• Since 63 = 21 three times – 3 cocktails at Trader Sam’s. An Uh-Oa!, Krakatoa Punch and a Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Rum. 1 with the souvenir mug if you’re lucky enough to get there when they actually have them on hand.
• A Nerf body-suit to deal with Matterhorn related whiplash
• Additional stroller parking (etiquette sold separately)
• Better menu items for Blue Bayou
• Jumping ahead 4 spots on the Club 33 waitlist (admittance in 9.875 years now)
• a 2ND SONG FOR it’s a small world ALREADY!!!
• 1 more happy haunt
• part ownership of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks again
• A parking garage paid for by the city with rent of like, 3 bucks a year. If they don’t have this already.
• An Earl of Sandwich. They could use one.
• A proper Joffrey’s stand for people too impatient to wait at Starbucks for a coffee.
• A Dole Whip with dark rum from the Disneyland Hotel we snuck into the park somehow.
• Something to suck the gas stink out of the air around Autopia.
• In-park pizza that’s really good.
• Extra space for A Bug’s Land #saveHeimlich
• A 7th song for Mission Breakout. I’m feeling something by Foghat.
• Take them across the street for an $11.99 buffet from Captain Kidd’s
• Wait times for Peter Pan’s Flight under 25 minutes.
• A purple wall
• Mobility devices that’re just AT-ATs
• Fresh paint for Toontown
• Utilidoors a la Magic Kingdom so cast members can get to their lands unseen. I can’t imagine there’d be any challenges installing tunnels underground in California…
• A fastpass for Pirates that somehow people won’t piss and moan over.
• An actual ending for Snow White’s Scary adventure
• Just mail it in and give a gift card

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If all else fails – just send as much money as you possibly can.

Happy 63rd birthday Disneyland. You’re the best US park. I stand by that.

It’s no secret that a Walt Disney World/Disneyland vacation can be pricey. Unless you weren’t aware of that? Cause it is. But really… common sense should have told you Disney Parks are expensive. Although common sense should also have led you to roll your eyes at my super cliched topic sentence. Anyway, I digress….

So you’re planning on going to Anaheim/Orlando and you live north of the 49th parallel or in Ontario or Quebec (bonjour!) or the Maritimes or Happy Valley Goose Bay, Labrador. That’s great! Assuming you’re independently wealthy. 

But if you’re a regular middle class schmo or a better than average upper middle class Joseph III or a lower middle clasHAHA AS IF THEY CAN AFFORD IT!!! *clears throat* – the point is you gotta save up a bit.

So here are some tips for my fellow Canadians on how to save to go to Disney Word because ordering a Starbucks You Are Here Hollywood Studios mug on the internet for like, $80 instead of spending thousands to visit Florida would be silly:

1. You can pick up Disney gift cards in denominations of $25-$500 at stores with that Gift Card display you head to around Xmas time for more marginal friends. Buy $25 CAD at a time when you’re getting President’s Choice Loads of Ketchup rippled potato chips, or $50 when you’re at Shoppers Drug Mart getting your RX for that banana flavoured penicillin, or even if you want to grab a $500 GC at Walmart when you’re picking up a single 98¢ package of Great Value roast gravy mix – it’s a great way to slowly accumulate money that’s good in Disneyland or Disney World. I bought a bunch of these for my Grooms Crew and they got a better than the bank exchange rate when they used it in the parks.
2. Set up a US Dollars account with your bank or credit union. We transfer X dollars over every payday. Just so we slowly accumulate money while saying “Ugh, I can’t believe I only got $37.17 for $50 CAD” every week or two.
3. Pick up pennies when you see them on the ground. Because this is Canada and we haven’t had those since 2013. So if there’s a penny on the ground it’s probably an opportunity to save for Disney. Thanks American pennies on the ground!
4. Cash in your empties. This is both a joke and something I totally do. What better way to encourage crushing a beer or three after a particularly crushing Friday at work?
5. Have a birthday. I think we all have that one relative who even though you’re still and adult gives you 20 bucks on your birthday. Thanks Uncle Victor!
6. Go on Facebook, change your birthday to April 1, laugh at the extra wishes you get on your wall, then score another $20 bill from Uncle Vics.
7. Pass Go, collect $200. 
8. I set it so whenever I use Interac Direct Payment a dollar is transferred to my savings account.
9. Just don’t go out. This helps if you’re introverted like me and don’t like being around people more than you absolutely have to. Don’t ask how I can say this, yet blog about going to theme parks that attract millions of visitors annually.  The mental gymnastics I use to justify this will lead to someone spraining an ankle.
10. Just stop buying shit you don’t need. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And there you have it. 10 ways to $ave for Disneyland or Disney World if you are Canadian. I was going to add bring your own lunch to work instead of going out to eat but a top 11 list would be absurd. 

P.S. if you want to just give me money to go to Disneyland – I’m more likely than not willing to accept it.

*Please note this page contains affiliate links. That means if you click and buy stuff, we get moneys!*

So you’re headed to Walt Disney World. Congratulations – you’re broke for 8 weeks afterwards!!!

Before you go, assuming you haven’t already read Fallon’s post on Park Bag Essentials, here’s some other stuff you’ll want to bring along on your WDW vacation:

• For starters, get one of those pop-up clothes hampers. It doesn’t so much help. But’s it’s nice to easily dispose of swass & underboob sweat-soaked clothes in a single handy dandy place.
• Good shoes
• Another pair of good shoes
• A third pair of good shoes. Foot-swass and 20,000 steps/day is some for real punishment
• Good socks too. Performance/athletic ones. With arch support and padding and science stuff.
• Rain ponchos. Imean, you’ll forget to wear them. But you oughta have them.
• Bailey’s for breakfast, other booze of choice to help wind down after a day of being around too many people and a half.
• Water (see point 3)
• Filtered water bottle
• Waterbed (hotels don’t supply these like they used to)
• Jello (for inside your travel waterbed)
• A toque. AKA a beanie. Because we only seem to get to Orlando in the winter months. I’m told it gets sweltering but if you’re there in December/January like we tend to be – toque up chumps.
• Tylenol – for foot and general joint pain
• Advil – for the inevitable headache brought on by being around too many other humans
• Aleve – cause you drank around the World Showcase
• Scissors – cause they’re handy
• Toilet paper – cause even the most magical place on Earth only has 1-ply
• Gum – cause you can’t buy it anywhere on Disney property. I like Nicorette®. It tastes gross. But I can’t seem to get enough.
• dollar store knock-off zipper-lock style plastic baggies. I could say Ziploc® itself but let’s face it – you’re gonna cheap out and grab the  Dollarama® “Slide Seal®” ones for your electronics on water rides, leftovers and for packing potentially leaky travel liquids instead of the name brand.
• The pen you snagged from the hotel
• However much money you think you need (multiplied by 4)
• Patience (lolz)
• Body Glide – unless you love chaffing… you monster
• A song. Cause if anywhere is going to break out into some sort of grand exposition song + dance number – it’ll happen at Walt Disney World
• Your appetite. For real. Portions are gigantic.
• A hat
• Sunscreen
• Hand soap for your hotel room (especially if it’s right after Xmas and you’re able to get citrus-wreath Softsoap® on clearance for 27¢) because that cruddy little bar of hand soap you get at your hotel is cruddy
• Pepsi products if that’s your thing. WDW is a pure Coca-Cola property and some people are very passionate about their carbonated corn-syrup water.
• Unnecessarily long lists
• Whatever you need to convince yourself buying a $45 stuffed Dug from Up is a good idea.
• Your life-partner because loneliness can be crushingly overwhelming.
• Luck. For additional FP+ choices.
• Lucky Charms. They’re magically delicious.
• Prescription medicine. Holy shit you needed a blog post to remember your meds?!?!
• Sunglasses so you can look cool
• Baby wipes so you can not look cool cleaning yourself off should you be an adult who got sticky.

That’s about it. Which is to say I’m out of ideas. Thanks for reading. This post was not brought to you by: Ziploc®  although if they want to give us money we’ll take it. Especially if it comes in a sack with a dollar sign that you can tell is sealed because of the purple or green strip.

• Mr. Incredible’s alter-ego has a last name of Parr. Par = being average at golf.
• Eugene Fitzherbert must have severe post-concussion syndrome
• Anton Ego says “I don’t like food… I love it. If I don’t love what I’m tasting I spit it out!” I feel the same way about songs that aren’t Tomatoa’s “Shiny”
• Gerald is my spirit animal
• Anna is the best princess. Merida is the most underrated princess. The worst princess?  I dunno. But Snow White is definitely the wurst princess.
• I relate way too much to the barcode over Mike Wazowski’s eye gag
• Sure, the parks could use a proper Pizza Planet. But I’d settle just for somewhere with decent pizza in the first place
• WALL-E is the story of the last robot of its kind left behind on a ruined planet that’s broken beyond repair, yet tries with complete futility to clean it up every day. Over hundreds of years he’s evolved to yearning for companionship and love. And the tale is often wasted on people who don’t get that.
• Cars is better than it gets credit for. Cars 3 is as okay as it gets credit for. We don’t talk about Cars 2.
• Moana is also the best princess. Along with Leia, Suri and Rapunzel.
• I am Groot.
• Try and name 5 Disney movies where both parents are still alive at the end. While you’re trying to come up with Inside Out, Peter Pan, 101 Dalmations, Moana & Tangled I’ll be busy STEALING YO GIRL!!!!!
• If you have a pet, you know that The Good Dinosaur doesn’t get the love it deserves. Unless you have a solitary asshole cat. Then maybe try Lady & the Tramp (all parents alive at the end too btw) and cheer for the Siamese cats.
• Epcot needs a Wakanda pavilion.
• Yo, where’s my Sugar Rush ride? Excluding all the glucose fueled snacks pretty much everywhere in every park.
• I would pay for a fastpass for Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto
• I feel like 30% of the vitriol Last Jedi gets is just pent up anger that wasn’t able to be vented out from The Phantom Menace
• The Muppets should meet the X-Men. Then go for milkshakes.
• Paperman, Feast, Piper, Partly Cloudy, Presto. In that order.
• Remember the first 9 minutes of Up? They wrote the incinerator scene in Toy Story 3.
• Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, why are there so many British and American people in guillotine era France?
• Tiana is also also the best princess
• 999 happy haunts… but there’s always room for 1 more (as long as Haunted Mansion doesn’t switch to Flight of Passage ride vehicles)
• Literally nothing good happens in Dumbo except you’re spared from the heartbreak after 64 minutes
• Sleeping Beauty: Something bad is going to happen to Aurora on her 16th birthday. We know this. But who with a king’s influence, power & resources could protect a single teenager on a very specific day that we are well aware of? Better send her into the woods with some witches who also won’t watch over her on her super sweet 16.
• I am Groot!
• It’s called The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh because “The 7.5 Adventures of Winnie The Pooh” lacked pizzazz
• In Inside Out – the villain is circumstance. Circumstances have got me to this point without refernceing A Bug’s Life
• For real though – A Bug’s Land should be moved from California Adventure to a corner of Animal Kingdom.
• The 8th most jealous moment of my life was when my friend Lisa was the rebel spy on StarTours
• Where’s our Soarin’ movie, pal?
• And after that – what about a Big Thunder Mountain Railroad move starring The Rock of course.
• I AM GROOT!!!
• In Europe, does Nick Wylde call him Flash, Flash, 91-point-4-4 metre dash?