The other night, Fallon and I were talking about the pros and cons of each coast’s parks. Personally, I don’t typically make pro & con lists because I’m not a character on a network sitcom. But today that changes. Because I wanted to write something and was lacking a better idea. So here goes – the Pros and Cons of each set of American parks:

Disneyland Pros:

1. The Original Park
2. More rides per capita
3. Better rides per capita (Yeah, I said it.)
4. Better in-park food options
5. Easier to get reservations
6. Park hopping is super easy
7. Maxpass > FP+
8. In General – California > Florida
9. Lodgings are closer and more affordable
10. Character meet & greets are less structured, random and more plentiful
11. More annual passholders = smarter park patrons
12. Can cover both parks in 2-3 days
13. Way less planning needed beforehand

Disneyland Cons:

1. Population of So-Cal means things get slammed very often
2. Parks themselves can seem more cramped because there’s less overall acreage
3. Theming can be more inconsistent because of lack of space
4. Surrounded by cheap hotels – so a + and a –
5. No Magical Express from LAX/SNA
6. Disney Hotels are very pricey
7. Downtown Disney Construction
8. Disneyland currently in political squabble with City of Anaheim
9. Ana-CRIME amiright?
10. Annual passholders are AKA Passholes
11. Maxpass costs $10US/day

Walt Disney World Pros:

1. Moar parks
2. The WDW Bubble is great
3. Less rides equals better theming overall 
4. Better restaurants per capita when you include the 20something resorts
5. Tables In Wonderland 20% off card for APs, DVC and FL Residents
6. Easier transportation if you stay on property
7. Mickey’s Magical Express gets you from MCO
8.  FP+ is free and can be booked 60 days out if you stay on property/30  days if not
9. Florida is more naturally entertaining
10. Magic Bands can be used to pay for food, souvenirs, are your room key, get PhotoPass pics, are super handy
11. Character meet & greets are better organized. Like, I swear there could have been 4 rooms to meet Anna and Elsa it was so efficient
12. On property guests don’t have to carry their souvenirs and can have them shipped to their hotel 
13. More space = better queues
14. Tader Sam’s Grog Grotto > Trader Sam’s Enchanted Tiki Bar
15. Impossible to do it all in 1 trip
16. Disney Springs is way better than Downtown Disney
17. Earl of Sandwich

Walt Disney World Cons:

1. More of a destination experience so it ends up costing way more
2. 180 days beforehand for restaurant reservations? 60 Days out for FastPasses? WDW is A LOT of work.
3. Fewer rides per park and often the DL versions are just better executed overall 
4. Also surrounded by cheap hotels a la The Florida Project
5. Park hopping can be very time consuming or costly if you Uber/Lyft (but Minnie Vans are sweet)
6. Cheerleaders/Brazilian Tour Groups – because unsupervised teenagers
7. Florida  Highway Construction/Toll Highways
8. WDW is often viewed as a Once In A Lifetime trip and everyone is stressed about getting the appropriate bang for their buck
9. Because it’s so much work beforehand many park patrons are clueless
10. Quick serves can be pretty mediocre
11. Re$ort parking
12. Impossible to do it all in 1 trip
13. No slow season anymore

I feel like we’ll need to continually add to this but for now I think it’s a solid start. Ultimately either is an awesome time and I’d take them both in a heartbeat.

Outside of being a resident of either of the Orange Counties, it’s not likely you get to a Disney Park as much as you’d like. At least if you’re reading this. Fret not if you’re not a Kissimmee/Santa Ana local, cause here are some half-assed options for those looking to indulge in their Dis-ness day-to-day.

• Sink your teeth into to a chain restaurant. Landry’s just set up their first location in our town. A Bubba Gump. Go end enjoy something deep fried (or likely microwaved) to perfection. If that catches on, we could get a Rainforest Cafe or a House of Blues or Yak & Yeti. The more standardized fare you feast on the better the chances I get an Earl of Sandwich in my town. It begins with Buffalo Chicken wraps.
• Try to recreate your favourite menu item at home. You can find a bunch of recipes at AllEars. I’ve tried to cook up the Le Cellier Canadian Cheddar Cheese Soup, as well as Chef Art Smith’s Homecomin‘ Chocolate Pecan Pie… with mixed results. It was fun though. I’ll figure out how to make a proper roux someday….
• Dole Whip can be found if you know where to look. There a frogurt place at the giant tourist mall in our city that makes a pretty mean vegan non-dairy pineapple powder and coconut milk dessert product. I’m told Nando’s and Menchie’s have it on occasion too. And speaking of Dole Whip…
• The Exhibition/County Fair/Whatever it’s called. I’m sure there’s a standard big midway with carnival rides that hits up your town at a certain point every year. Probably during the 3-14 day period where you’re most likely to get thundershowers. Well in our city they at least bring a dole whip facsimile. And a carousel is a carousel – whether you’re at the Magic Kingdom or a makeshift fairgrounds in a parking lot you wouldn’t stand in for long periods of time had their not been circumspect rides set up there. That said – they’ve got some kind of Mad Tea Party spinning ride to tie you over. Like pixie dust methadone. There’ll be some kind of Flame Tree Barbecue place where you can pay way too much for ribs. A Crazy Mouse coaster like Tricera Top Spin/Goofy’s Sky School. Plus, instead of someone in a costume dressed like Pluto – there’s a drug sniffing dog helping a kind peace officer arrest someone outside the main entrance attempting to enter the fair to sell cocaine who looks like the type of guy who’d come to the fairgrounds to try and move the white pony who also needs a shower.
• Practice waiting in lines. Go renew your drivers license.
• Go to the Disney Store in your city’d good mall(s) and buy something that costs way too much.
• Go to Hot Topic in those same malls and buy something that looks super cool, but has lower overall craftsmanship.
• Watch Moana on Netflix for the umpteenth time.
• Actually watch a DVD because stupid Netflix took Tangled off like some damned fools.
• Go to the movie theatre and think “oh hey, a bottle of Coca-Cola for $5 is a pretty good deal, eh?”
• Hitchhike to Atlanta Braves baseball spring training?
• Make a mad decent Disney Playlist on Spotify or Apple Music or Tidal (hahaha yeah right Tidal).
• Buy some bromine, mix it in water, smell bromine water – take a nostalgic journey through scent. BTW: Rob Plays has a great video on why Disney Water smells different. I’ve seen Etsy shops where you can buy candles that smell like specific Disney park scents but who can afford international shipping?
• Check out the funny t-shirts on Teepublic.
• Just mail Disney $80/month.
• Plan your Halloween costume. This year, I’m going as the most evil Pixar villain of them all. Circumstance from Inside Out.
• Revisit your old imaginary pal Bing Bong while you’re at it.
• Use a Brita Water Bottle. It’s as if you’re removing the musty swampy taste of Florida tap water – except it’s your local good tap water still filtered.
• Reuse an old resort mug for coffee, then add Bailey’s, then take the bus to a large big box mall and pretend it’s Disney Springs, then re-evaluate your life choices.
• Go to a Starbucks (just like in the park!) and tell the Barista your name is Fix It Felix. Enjoy when your cup says Phelixx.
• Find a good beer store. Get a Schofferhofer. Even though that’s not a good beer. Dang it’s tasty though. Chase that radler with 710 mL of La Fin du Monde and get messed up.
• Go to one of your friend’s toddler’s birthday parties and remind yourself of what it’s like at ~3 pm after the kids have binged on sugar and are experiencing sensory overload.
• Practice your washboard skills so you can really crush it next time you go to Hoop Dee Doo.
• Go to see Fireworks in your home down and go “meh”.
• Plan another Disney trip.
• Plan the trip after that trip.
• Write a blog post about what to do when you’re not at Disney
• End that post abruptly without a fitting conclusion.

1. The Haunted Mansion (To me, this ride is the epitome of Disney imagineering. I notice something new every time. From the superb queue to the stretching room – this has more fluid storytelling than the DL version and so many neat details. And no jump scares. Just excellent special effects.)
2. Splash Mountain (Fluid storytelling. Literally.)
3. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (The wildest ride in the wilderness I’m told. The best seats are in the back. The 2nd best seats = every other seat.)
4. Space Mountain (It’s a mountain. In space.)
5. 7 Dwarfs Mine Train (smooth children’s roller coaster that’s worth waiting 25 minutes for even though that’s impossible)
6. The Jungle Cruise (The skipper asks you where you’re from and you’ll say Winnipeg and they’ll say “I’m sorry” so you say “WINNIPEG!!!” and then they say “No I heard you before… I’m just sorry.” – it’s a collection of groan-worthy puns and corny dad jokes that vary in tone and style based on the skipper you get. Amazing how they elevate a ride with dated animatronics with personality. Let it happen and enjoy the ride.)
7. The Peoplemover (If you can’t trust The Tomorrowland Transit Authority for an amazing time, who can you trust?)
8. Buzz Lightyear (I got 900-something thousand once and was super choked I wasn’t able to get to a million and collect my Galactic Hero sticker like a grown-up.)
9. Pirates of the Caribbean (40% of a really great ride.)
10. Peter Pan’s Flight (a slow loading ride with low capacity that’s okay for black lights and a painted Pan that accumulates a long wait that that people gravitate toward because the wait time is long so it must be good, right?)
11. Mad Tea Party (Teacups. And they spin in circles!)
12. Dumbo the Flying Elephant (It goes in circles! Just try to forget how awful Dumbo’s life is.)
13. Prince Charming Regal Carousel (It goes in circles! It’s horses! It’s… got a perpetual 5 minute wait time tho.)
14. Under the Sea ~ Journey of the Little Mermaid (I’m gonna be straight with you. This should probably be like… 11… but who’s gonna copy/paste fix on a laptop with the stupid giant square thumb mouse thing for a Cliff Notes version of the Little Mermaid story told by robots. It is fun to be an adult male belting out Under the Sea along with machine Sebastian)
15. The Magic Carpets of Aladdin (It goes in circles! But it’s a carpet ride instead of an elephant ride so it’s obviously inferior.) 
16. Astro Orbiter (It goes in circles! But you have to take an elevator first eff that noise.)
17. The Barnstormer (I actually haven’t ridden this. So this tells you where we’re getting quality-wise.)
18. Walt Disney World Railroad (It’s a train! It’s a ride! It’s… an excuse to not have to walk to other sections of the park!)
19. Liberty Square Riverboat (It goes in circles! Along with a whackload of people! Plus some barely audible tinny speakers! Annnnnnnnnndd some slight casual racism that I didn’t bring up in numbers 2 & 6…)
20. Starbucks (Like the security line, but you can get a decent coffee and a $17 You Are Here mug at the end of it.)
21. Waiting on a park bench and imagining Radiator Springs Racers is in Florida (Also works for Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout, Indiana Jones, California Screamin’ or Heimlich’s Chew Chew Train)
22. The Security Line (Necessary, but annoying when you’ve got a pocket full of GD pennies.)
23. Stealing an ECV and riding it into the Enchanted Tiki Room
24. the ghost of Stitch’s Great Escape (kinda, maybe, I dunno…)
25. it’s a small world (it’s all downhill after seeing the mountie 7 seconds into the ride.)
26. Not going on a ride at all
27. Having vertigo
28. Making a post on some online forum about the Hall of Presidents and having  to deal with an enormous amount of anonymous people arguing over politics with +/- 3 “your an idiot”s.)
29. Taking a really messy dump and wiping with the most lackluster 1-ply you can find. Most magical place on earth my literal ass!)
30. Oh oh oh I just remembered I wanted to mention taking the MK Monorail to the TTC then transferring either to Epcot to go on Soarin’ or if it’s after 4 pm going to the Polynesian to get a Dark & Stormy at Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto – so uh, choose whatever’s funnier?)
31.  The Moana ride that doesn’t exist (but needs to exist)
32.  
33.  The boat to Wilderness Lodge – a really underrated resort – featuring Whispering Canyon Cafe.
34.  
35.  
36. Tripping and falling and scraping your wrist in front of Mary Poppins
37. The Race to the FuelRod machine because your phone battery is at 3%
38.  
39.  
40.  
41.  
42. Watching a video ride-thru of the Tron coaster to get ready for when that’s finished in Magic Kingdom in like 5 years
43.  
44.  
45.  
46.  Hurrying to get a spot in front of the castle 4 hours before Happily Ever After starts even though you really don’t need to be THAT early.
47.  
48.  
49. The moving sidewalk leaving Space Mountain
50.  
51.   
52.  
53. Spending $25 + tip on a Minnie Van (BTW – these are actually great)
54.  
55.  
56.  
57. Ugh fine… the Tomorrowland Speedway (Look – I get it. This is a ride for children. It’s cool for them because they get to drive a car and after pick up a license and feel proud of themselves. But I’ve been driving a car for 20 years and it never stinks like the rotten lawnmowers with 0 handling of this ride.  It sucks. If you don’t have kids and you want to do this… why?)

1. Where else are you going to experience an animatronic bear jamboree?
2. Gotta see that new roller-coaster. It’s much different than the other 6 that are already there.
3. The Dole Whip there is better than the exact same stuff they have at the frogurt shop at the mall.
4. Because the buses are like, free.
5. Fact finding mission to learn if Goofy and Pluto are both canines somehow.
6. TO FIGURE OUT THE COMPLEX, DYSTOPIAN PLOT AND  NEXT LEVEL STORYTELLING OF THE ASTRO ORBITER .
7. To drink around the World Showcase and enjoy a cocktail in the imaginary country of Canada.
8. I hear there’s some Star Wars stuff at Hollywood Studios and I want Attack of the Clones “toothpick holders”.
9. Tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room withdrawl.
10. Because y’all just got back from Disneyland.

Honourary mention to the paper straws at Animal Kingdom

July 17, 1955 – Disneyland is born to a world still able to be impressed by a carousel. Today – DL turns 63. It’s okay if you haven’t got it a birthday present yet. Here’s a handy dandy list of gifts you could give to a theme park that got 18,200,000 visitors in 2015 according to haphazard Google search:

• A separate entrance for annual passholders/activated tickets
• Since 63 = 21 three times – 3 cocktails at Trader Sam’s. An Uh-Oa!, Krakatoa Punch and a Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Rum. 1 with the souvenir mug if you’re lucky enough to get there when they actually have them on hand.
• A Nerf body-suit to deal with Matterhorn related whiplash
• Additional stroller parking (etiquette sold separately)
• Better menu items for Blue Bayou
• Jumping ahead 4 spots on the Club 33 waitlist (admittance in 9.875 years now)
• a 2ND SONG FOR it’s a small world ALREADY!!!
• 1 more happy haunt
• part ownership of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks again
• A parking garage paid for by the city with rent of like, 3 bucks a year. If they don’t have this already.
• An Earl of Sandwich. They could use one.
• A proper Joffrey’s stand for people too impatient to wait at Starbucks for a coffee.
• A Dole Whip with dark rum from the Disneyland Hotel we snuck into the park somehow.
• Something to suck the gas stink out of the air around Autopia.
• In-park pizza that’s really good.
• Extra space for A Bug’s Land #saveHeimlich
• A 7th song for Mission Breakout. I’m feeling something by Foghat.
• Take them across the street for an $11.99 buffet from Captain Kidd’s
• Wait times for Peter Pan’s Flight under 25 minutes.
• A purple wall
• Mobility devices that’re just AT-ATs
• Fresh paint for Toontown
• Utilidoors a la Magic Kingdom so cast members can get to their lands unseen. I can’t imagine there’d be any challenges installing tunnels underground in California…
• A fastpass for Pirates that somehow people won’t piss and moan over.
• An actual ending for Snow White’s Scary adventure
• Just mail it in and give a gift card

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If all else fails – just send as much money as you possibly can.

Happy 63rd birthday Disneyland. You’re the best US park. I stand by that.